Dear Shakespeare Garry,

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best." -
Woody Allen.


It pains me to start this with a quote. No, really it does. I hate people who think using the words of truly funny people somehow makes them witty. In fact, I hate anyone who uses quotes in general which, as you can imagine, made history lectures something of an experience. What is particularly galling is if they accompany them with the use of air quotation marks. I have never in my life felt the need to use an air full stop. Or a floating comma, for that matter. I've never even succumbed to air guitar - not even during Bohemian Rapsody. Yes, even to that headbanging bit. Never mind the argument of inate promiscuity, surely holding aloft an imaginary Fender and rocking the fuck out is the act which truly separates the sexes?
So just where did this horrible affectation originate? A genius i'm not but I think I know enough to realise that you - a balding, somewhat stinky fiftysomething taxi driver are not the first person to use the expression "it's all Greek to me" so your addition of finger-punctuation wasn't strictly necessary. That isn't even the correct quote, a fact I might just have pointed out was I not mentally plucking the floating quotation points out of the air and embedding them deep in your eyeballs.

So what was it, Oh Whiffy One, that was all Greek to you? Rocket science maybe? I imagine that can be bloody hard to understand. Not for me, obviously - I am of course incredibly knowledgable when it comes to sprockets, meteors and, erm, y'know, screwdrivers and weevils and stuff. If not something of a scientific slant, perhaps it was more literary? Do you have something of a mental gap when it comes to deciphering the socioeconomic metaphors littered within Peer Gynt? You and me both, mate - to be honest I always thought Ibsen was a make of fountain pen. Ah - maybe you meant it was literally Greek to you. It's got to be taramasalata, hasn't it? Don't let the fish roe put you off, dude - give it a whirl.

Oh. Not taramasalata then? Right.

Not rocket science. Not Ibsen. Not even fishy pink goo. No.

"Blokes sleeping around is in their blood but birds doing the same is just goppin', innit? Bunch of slappers. Can't understand what they get from it puttin' it about. It's all Greek to me."

I've agonised over a possible reaction for hours. Checked off a mental tick chart of all possible angles for and against your learned argument. Gone through many an emotion trying to sum up an intellectual, fiercely impassioned response.

And then I thought, nah. Let's level the playing field.

.
.
.

"Fuck off, cuntbubble"

And, Garry baby, I even used floating quotations - just for you.


Lots of love,
Vic xx